Thursday, September 19, 2013

My Wife Left Me and All I Got Was This Leet Sword

So I'm supposed to be writing about my goals right?  Okay well I have this goal to be the
best player in World of Warcraft.  So I'm just gonna log on here and get to it.

"What's that honey?  Yes I know the kids need to be taken to school I'm just getting on
for a few minutes."

Okay so here we are in the world of Azeroth.  I should probably start by getting my
dailies out of the way.  Yeah I know it sounds lame doing the same quests each and every
day just to stay on top.  It's not though.  It's really fucking fun.

"Sorry dear, did you say something?  Oh, you took the kids to school already?  Thanks.  I
was kind of doing something important anyway."

Alright, my dailies are done with so I guess I can raise my professions a bit.  I'll just head
to a low level area to raise my mining.  Yeah just hanging out and mining some copper.
Not much to see here still mining my cop. . . IS THAT A LOW LEVEL PLAYER WITH
HIS PVP FLAG ON?  It's on like Donkey Kong!  Yeah I one shot that newb cause I'm
gonna be the best, remember?

"What?  Yes dear I know I haven't showered in three days let me just finish this."

I think I should probably get some dungeons done today.  I'm glad they added this
random dungeon finder tool.  You know, because socializing in an online game?  Who
the fuck does that?  Nice.  We are in.  Dude, why the fuck is our healer trying to deal
damage?  Man, I always get paired up with newbs.

"No dear I am not going to go out to the store with you.  I have to teach these losers how
to play their class."

Well the dungeon was a total failure but I can still do some PVP games.  Okay, a game
of "Capture the Flag".  Let's do this.  Healers stay on me and we can own this.  Why
the fuck are you people fighting out in the middle?  You're all horrible at this game and
should just quit now.  Okay whatever,  I'll get their flag myself because I'm the best.
Guys, I got the flag!  Now heal me.  Heal me.  FUCKING HEAL ME.  Oh my god you
guys suck don't you understand how the game is played?  Great, now they got our flag
you stupid newbs.

"No sweetie I'm not going to pick the kids up from school.  Don't you ever consider the
important things I need to do?"

I guess I can spare a couple of minutes to grab a quick meal.  Hot Pockets, dinner of
champions right there.  Let's see if the guild wants to try our hand at the new raid.  Shit,
what do you mean our tank had to take his kid to the emergency room?  Doesn't he care
about anyone but himself?  Whatever, just pick someone up in town I can pick up the
slack anyway.  You know, because I am going to be the best.

"No.  I'm not helping you make dinner.  I already ate and am about to start a raid.  Why
can't you leave me to myself for five minutes?"

Finally we got a tank.  This guy doesn't speak a word of English but whatever I just want
to get my epic loots.  Hurry up and clear the trash mobs.  Fuck.  Even my own guild
sucks at this game.  Seriously you guys can we just fucking get through this?  My wife
is saying something about she is leaving me and taking the kids with her.  She seems to
think I spend my life in a fantasy game.  Whatever.

About time.  We finally made it to the raid boss.  Okay remember to stay in formation.
Mages in the back, melee up front.  Me wherever the fuck I feel like because I'm
awesome.  Okay he's down to half health watch out for the lava attack.  Oh fucking
awesome, half of the guild is wiped.  What part of watch out don't you turds understand?
Okay fuck it.  I'm still up and you know I'm awesomesauce.  Almost down.  Almooooost
down.  Fuck yeah realm first kill.  All thanks to yours truly.  What loot did he drop.
Nice, a sword with slightly better stats than the one I got from the last raid.  Okay guys
you know I deserve it more than any of you so just hand it over.  Dude why did the guy
not even in our guild get it?  Who the fuck made him loot master?  Fuck you guys are
such idiots.  I'm out.

What the hell is this paper on the kitchen counter?  My wife actually left me?  Fucking
bitch.  Whatever.   I don't need a family.  This will just give me more time to focus on my
goal.  And tomorrow, I will be the best Warcraft player EVAR.



  1. Who needs that bitch? You're the best at WOW!

  2. Not gonna lie, you lost me at WOW. I do however admire your competitive spirit and dedication. The hubby's like that with Madden, I am occasionally like that with Hot Shots, or tetris...

    1. This is so not me playing WoW. I am usually the quiet guy rolling his eyes at the people who get this serious over a game. It was just a last minute inspiration for the theme.